SAHARAN_STAR

its only been 4 months

2006-03-16T17:18:00.000-07:00

i cant do it anymore, i am waiting for the right moment to do it i know that i will do it i jsut need to wait for the percise moment i think htat it will be off in the distance but a part of me welcomes it at any given time the chance to rid myself of this termoil this pain this disgusted feeling i have inside of myself.....
i actually have began to feel more emotional and it scares me becasue i dont want ot be like htat but i dont want to be a rock either i reember everything what have a i become a monster stares into my eyes reminding me htat i am not who i think i am that life is not great for me that it doesnt matter what happens to me because i soo will leave and a weight will be lifed from those around me and i am okay knowing htat there will be things that i will never see things i will never know but i accept it............

its been awile since i last ckd in

2005-12-06T21:43:00.000-07:00

its been a whilesince i last ckd in thing are still up in the air still in question however i am still split both wyas with neither direction proving the right way the one choice still doesnt come to me i hope that it does that it cames around to me before it is to late

giving in

2005-11-19T22:27:00.000-07:00

i look for it and search day in and out but yet i can not find it no matter how hard i try i cant find it and im jsut about ready to give in and go out with a bang..... it is a possibility thati can pull it off about a 60% at this time and i am seriously conciedering it even at this point but what if i dont pull through then what were will i be then?

2005-11-02T21:44:00.000-07:00

ten eyars a decade has passed me by all the while i stood by and watched like a movie you cant take your eyes off the screen and i never knew that it was all i lie that you had made me believe your word was the only word the truth and all along it was your dreams your life your way even now i cant stand up to it and as each day passes and i step closer to the edge i become wiser but has wisdom come too late to save me i am doomed to my destiny........jsuta flame blown to smoke but ashes left nothing worth putting back together broken hearts crumbled dreams nothing really even matter to me anymore time is ticking by with the ambition of the trumpster forward and precise never ending not im tired so tired i can barely keep my eyes open there is ahallownees inside where my heart used tobe where dreams and hopes grewthe world is soo small compared to what i seei could wirte forever if youd jsut let me be for a start stop liying to me and get off my back and jsut let me be after all isnt it my life thatis what you told me all those years a decade has past and now it is your life i have no say just a mind in a body wasting space .......and when i give in you still dont anie up you think if the fault mine when all along it was yours after all these years a decade has passed what about me pls pls jsut let my be freee................ive had a realization perhaps hope is what it is but it feels good and it doesnt have the absence most of my desires have perchance it can be true life will go on yet i find my self doubting and then find myself say no it can happen if you can beleive it you can acheive it......ahh well tha didnt last long now did it what 3 days before it can crashing down i dream of you with a gun toward me i can feel hte tense air could this be it the end do this do that no you did it all wrong why did you do that bc you told me to no i didnt i told you to do that i did it no you did that what is the difference have you any idea of what i go through each and everyday i live in fear bc hours from now i could be nothing forever more i have been hated for so long i dont know where to begin you have to love your self you have to be postitive you have to ....you have to.... well you know what you have to shurt the hell up dnt stand there and tell me about how hard it is for you ok you say i am selfish but am i really am i bc i dnt think so but hell what do i really know i mean im stupid and fat and ill never be anyhting those were your words the olny words i ever heard the very very first compliement i have ever received was when i was 17 years old i was nearly an adult and someone told me you have the 'most beautiful smile' and i thrive on it bc it is the only thing at times that keeps me going i want to beleive it soo bad i want to beleive that i amyou know why i am fat and stupid and ugly and selfish it is bc you want me to be these things you say to me for soo many years that i am and now i beleive it i no nothing but your words you htink you can change the last 20 years in a few day in a few words no never it cannot be done and i wont let you off the hook that easily iwant you to suffer like i do i want you to feel the pain the sarrow the lonliness the hate the fear the passion to die.........This is my view of life and contains all or at least most of what i have gotten out of life thus far. Okay here we go, first things first i'm 24 and even though i still live with my family,I have come to the realization that i'm still all alone. I had this revalation about ten years ago during a stage of deep depression. I noticed that no matter how many people i was around, I was still alone, mentally speaking. It bothered me at first but i got used to it after awhile. I came to know life free of all social barriers, it didn't bother me to be alone for long periods of time. All people should realize that we are all alone, all the time and should shed their fears of being alone. To another subject,people call me a slacker because i don't strive to be the best. Not that its bad to be the best but i just think it's pointless. Think about it, you slave and work your ass off all your whole life so you can finally say that you are the best, then you die, unhappy, because even though you got what you wanted you wasted your whole life to get it. The point is whether you are like me and "waste" your life by enjoying it, or you actually achieve something like being famous, you still die. There is no stopping it. So don't worry about whether or not you've led a so called great life and helped society. No, this is not some gloomy outlook on life, it is just the truth. Live to make yourself happy, it seems selfish huh? well so is love,hate, and sorrow but we have no problem with them. Who cares if your selfish in your life, it is infact your life not joe blow's life and you're just borrowing it to help him out. By all means i do not mean for you to be totally self-centered and ignore all other life, just that all you really have is yourself.

i love tv

2005-10-27T19:14:00.000-07:00

man i love tv i jsut saw the most wonderful idea on CSI vegas and im soo going to use it

2005-10-26T19:45:00.000-07:00

A permanent solution to a temporary problem - that is what the wise and good people state to help. The way they make suicide look like a decision based on cowardice is remarkable, when in the end it is a clear statement of one's strength - at least mine. I cannot speak for all those others.
For all those others that take sleeping pills to attract attention.
For those that wait on the roof of a skyscraper until someone notices them to call the cops.
I can only speak for myself, and my decision is not based on weakness but on absolute power.
Hamlet said it, Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, Camus and Sartre considered the question.
It is not based on weakness but on a free will, the liberty to contemplate the unthinkable.
It is a question only the strongest can face.

They say it is easy to escape life but hard to go on with it. What fools. How many people can
hold a gun to their head and pull the trigger?
How many can cut a knife into their arms to pierce arteries and veins?
How many can make the little step off a skyscraper?
How many can swallow the cyanide pill?
Small movements, a jerk of an index finger, a cut, a step, a swallow.

How many think they can do that but have to face their weakness on the doorsteps of a
mysterious, scaring new existence?
How many have the mental strength to deal with such a decision?
How many can question their lives?
How many can face the fact that all they have done is useless and that there is no use apart
from procreation -and what kind of a goal is that? Fucking, as the meaning of life. A goal for
rabbits, for sheep, not for humans. And yet it is good enough for most.
To wait, to wait for something to come, to save them, something that does not exist, something
that does not come. And so they keep on giving birth while standing on their graves, waiting
like sheep.

How many can ask those questions?

How many can draw the consequences?

Those mentioned philosophers did not. None of them did agree to it in the end. None of them.
Because suicide is wrong? Because as Nietzsche stated, the philosopher has to live his thoughts
and hence set an example in dying. None of them were strong enough to do that. Whimps.
Intellectual wankers, smart asses, suckers. Unworthy to have been read by me.
It is easy to live, to go on with it, to stand the treatmill. All you have to do is switch
off your brains, not think, do what you are told and expected to and you will get old. There
is nothing easier than living. Man is built to endure pain. He can easily bear the whips and
scorns of time as long as he doesn't question them, and as long as he is not confident enough
to wonder whether it is worth suffering. All it takes is to stick to the routine. There is
nothing simpler than that.
Yeah, sure they will find reasons when they dig in my past. They will say:
He could not stand the pressure his profession had put on him, he had always suffered from
depression, he was suffering from a broken heart when his girlfriend left him. He could not
stand loneliness, unrequited love of all sorts. He was too sensitive.

Those would be their words.

Bullshit.

And they will be feigning sympathy and compassion, they will look at the art, the literature
and state how great it was, what a loss it is, what a great future lay ahead of him.
The sympathy of the deaf, dumb and blind, the braindead, the sympathy of the hens in the battery.
This is not the reason.
Sure, I am bleeding all over the place, sure I am suffering from pressure, sure I have always
been depressed, sure all of this is true. But it is not the reason. I am not doing this out
of pain. This is a decision based on positivity. Lust for life. But not that stale and dull life.
Real life, genuine emotions.

To shake off this mortal coil,
To step up to the Gods and to spit in their faces,
To make the final decision, the only one that cannot be undone.
Knowing that it might be a terrible mistake, a Faustian mistake, a bargain with the devil.
A voluntary step into something unknown.
Emptyness?
Heaven?
Hell?

Suicide is not based on weakness, it is based on absolute power - at least in my case.

Imagine:

To stand on top of the highest cliff.
To feel the wind tearing at my clothes, the elements.
The only truth left in a world of lies and hypocrisy.
The beauty of the abyss.
The anticipation, like anticipating the greatest sex, an existential foreplay.
Looking down into oblivion and voidness.
The ground far, far away as it seems from here, but in reality only a couple of seconds away.
Standing there.
Feeling eternity in a restricted world.
Feeling a decision in a prefabricated existence.
To draw the final breath,
To make that little step,
To know, that for once a decision was made,
To feel one foot above the abyss,
To think for a split second you can float in the air like the cartoon characters on TV,
To feel losing balance,
To fall,
To gain speed,
To have the air tear at your hair and clothes,
To feel the cold wind violently caress you,
To see the ground coming closer,
To scream in orgiastic excitement,
To know what you have done,
To know that you have done something for once.

Maybe even:
To doubt,
To regret,
To wish yourself back to the top of the peak that you are pacing away from.
Mercilessly
To fly into annihilation,
To see the truth, whether it is a beautiful or an unbearable truth for the fraction of a
second only.

Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be much more revealing than 10 years of most
other people,
Than the whole life of most other people. More true, essential, focused, divine. Purer.
70 years forced into seconds. Refined into pure knowledge and truth.

Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be worth a lifetime.

A worthy payment for endless agony

No more endless, unbearable pain.
No more routine.
No more repetition.
No more

-- Peace.

To sleep, perchance to dream.
To give in to the tiredness.
To fall asleep.
To find solace.
No more agony.
To end.
The end.

he hurt her

2005-10-24T21:11:00.000-07:00

my gf kerri her bf grabed her would not let her leave the house and threw her across the room and i told her she wasnt going back there she could move to alaska and id give her the money but she told me kno it was her fault so i slaped her in the arm not hard but like HELLO hes abusing you and you are taking it and you dont have to.... i was jsut like damn girl get out now and she told me NO i told her to call me after he beats her and she needs me or when shes ready to leave him i told her he did hte same thing to his X who also happend to be a very good friend of mine and i didnt tell her and i should have but i beleive that people can change that they deserve a second chance i was wrong and now it is too late his i slapping her around i told her i was calling the cops and he was going to go to jail for a long time if it was the last thing i ever did i would call every cop i knew in the state and pulled everystring i could to make sure he got what he deserved he wants to slap women around ill make sure hes treated like the B he is....she hasnt returned my call for 2 days and she wont answer the door when i go to their place i left her a message thisevening if she didnt call me by the am i was going to come with the cops

QUICK AND EASY.....

2005-10-24T20:47:00.000-07:00

i forgot so soon so quick and easy.....it makes me mad i mean he totally killed it he took my heart and ripped it out tore it into a trillion pieces and burnt it into dust.........but i still forget all that pain and heart ache i forget that it even happened how can someone how can i forget what he did to me how come it is soo easy and why did it happen so quickly im not ready to move on i cant move on i need to suffer somemore to feel the ache longer the pain i want to wade in the shallowness of my tears ahhhh but i thought about him all night my mind kept going i couldnt stop thinking about him and as i sat in that bar i was going crazy who was he with did he see me what was he thinking does he love me still does he love me like i love him does he cry at night wishing i was there like i do? does he even care anymore how can you just walk away ???????

i saw him

2005-10-23T17:55:00.000-07:00

i saw Dick last night at the bar and my heart stoped i was DD but it still stoped he still has that effect on me and i hate it but i long for it i miss it and it hurts i waned to go and say hi but i could not because a part of me wanted to take his beer bottle and break it over his head

decision time

2005-10-08T19:56:00.000-07:00

so an oppertunity has come to me it will be about a year before it will go into effect but requires at least 6 years in return and all the while i will have housing facilities a decent pay but it will be a hard long and trying road but afterward i can leave and go where i want and be free again and im seriously considering it and yet im scared to make the decision to do it majority of my life has been made on 'what ifs' and they have not gotten me as far as i had hoped i had expected much more progress by now 10 years ago i was dreaming of beach side houses and splendid parties and an unimaginable life style. can you tell they were dreams lol big dreams that i had lost sight of soo long ago and although i am doing okay it isnt great and it is hard ive have worked since i was 16 years old i didnt have to i wanted to i wanted the early start to become independant and free from my family lol go figure, once i hit 18 i was working 2 jobs all the time one for hte bills one for the fun and even now i still find myself wanting to work like that i will not take a job that i cant beat to a pulp if i cant beat the system i dont want it lol 18 hour days and 4 hours rest that is my idea of hard work and for 2 years i did it i took 2 months off and didnot work at all i traveled and partied and jsut lived like i never had been givin the oppertunity if you ever have the ability to jsut take a month from work and just go and not worry you will understand it is liberating it becomes addicting and you want it every chance you can get but to get it you have to work twice as hard and that makes it even more precious

posibility

2005-10-06T15:20:00.000-07:00

so Dick ran into my best friend kerri and he told her i broke up with him and that i told his step dad that over the phone and that i was seeing another guy??? but his step dad told me he broke up with me over the phone i dont know what to think he called here and asked me to call back i did and his step-dad hangs up on me i dont know what to think my heart races at the possibility of there being an us but then again im hurt..........

creativity

2005-10-02T12:05:00.000-07:00

my creativity only comes to me when i am in the ditch i can be the saddest woman alive and my ability to be creative will sky rocket but the moment i become content it falls into the unknown and i cant write a damn thing... it doesnt happen very offten but every once in a great great while it does happen lol why is that how come i only become so passionate after tragic strikes me are all great writters living in ditch except on occasion any famous writters care to comment????

suddenly too busy

2005-10-01T21:55:00.000-07:00

i find myself too busy to think about Dick and it feels good lol of course when i think about him it pains me but when i dont i am free and i like it my best friend stalled on me tonight we were going to go to an october fest thing an she wasnt allowed to go bc her boy friend woulent let her and that is bullshit and i hate him for it and there is nothing i could so to convince her to change her choice in a man but what gets me is that she can have any man that she wanted men fall for her all the time all she has to do is make a phone call and shed have a house, a new car and money to go to school to do what ever she wanted, i wish i had that ability lol my brother and his wife are leaving tomorrow im sad at the fact but im glad too i have come to an ultimadium in my life and it frightens me its terriable but, fear controls me, it controls my life, makingme fear things and welcoming the familiar, it is terrible so what to do from here????

2005-09-29T12:17:00.000-07:00

say cheese!!!

Mystery

2005-09-29T11:59:00.000-07:00

I meet a guy off the chat his interesting I like his personality so far but I wonder the motive, I am seeing casual but I also see it turning to nothing at all and it kind of bothers me I mean I just left Dick and already am looking for more is it coping, feeling attractive, or replacement for me I dnt know yet im just trying to go with the flow isnt thst horrible how a woman can feel unatractive when shes left by a man for no reason and suddleny she becomes unatractive when all along she had felt atractive, and i would not call myself ugly or unatractive but i feel it bc of him i figure that is why so now i wonder why it is that he really did leave?...

precious life

2005-09-29T11:31:00.000-07:00

doesnt he realize that life is far too short, my brother, hes 21 young and dumb our father is sick and yet he still doesnt want to sepend time with him our father will be gone for at least 3 but up to 6 months and then my brother will be going to iraq again for at lest 6 months weare at war does he not realize he may die and never come home to see our dad i jsut wnt him to realize how teriable this is for us his family and our dad, dad cant and wont say anything he thinks he hates him, its poaaible but still, he has a disease and after 25 years hes getting help, better late then never i say, there are issues i understand i have some too he jsut doesnt get it i feel sick bc i grew up so fast, trying to protect him and raise him to be better as a person maybe i didnt do something right maybe i did too much i dnt know i realize he has to learn on his own but it maybe too late

long morning

2005-09-28T13:27:00.000-07:00

Today has been a long day alreadyÂ..
I woke up late for an appointment and then I couldnÂt find my id so by the time I had got there I was really late had to pay 20$ for being late and had trescheduleal for another 3 weeks later im telling you its BS!!!, I thought about Dick today most of it anyways, I miss him soo much the very thought of him makes me wanna cry, my best friend Kerri called today shes been through the same as I only the man she loves for the last 6 years, wont commit to her shes been through soo much in the last year I wonder how she even stands just so strong compared to me I am a weakling. I love her id do anything for her

moving on, staying busy

2005-09-27T19:27:00.000-07:00

i think im going to become a lesbian but lesbians emotionaly hurt ofther lesbians so what is the difference? i going to put up some pictures of me by this weekend i bought 2 mid 1950's/ early 60's chairs matching wooden legedd one for 5$ i was estatic 2.50 a pop wowsers!!! i have a english bulldog shes a pup so she still gets excited when newbies come around and today i thought she was gonna passout lol shes cute ill post some of her too to top it all off this am like at 7 my father falls hes 45 yo. soo not okay his bp was 180/100 very bad and he refuses to go to a hospital i have to take care of him all day take care of my mom cause she cqant handle it all take care of the dog try to move past Dick's stipidity and the dog and society and whatelse oh yeah me!!! i want to go back to school next fall so i was working 2 jobs to help save but now that i left home to help my parents for a month or so i wont be able to but i cant get financial aide only personal student loans and who wants to pay 50$ a month for the rest of your life i make too much they tell me but i cant afford school go figure.... gee...my shoulders are aching soo bad i need a massage lol too much stress im surprised i havent riped all of my hair out , yet and still i have time like now to feel pain for what he did to me hes all i know whos going to replace him cause with out him how can i .... just be?

i hate you

2005-09-27T03:04:00.000-07:00

I hate you
I hate your gorgeous eyes
I hate your perfect lips
I hate the way you do your hair
I hate the car you drive
I hate you
I hate how your face haunts my dreams
I hate that I can’t delete you from my phone
I hate how I still remember all our talks
I hate to admit that I still long for your touch
I hate you
I hate the promises you made but didn’t keep
I hate that you said we’d be friends but never call
I hate hearing about you and some other girl
I hate how, despite it all, I can’t move on
I hate you
But most of all…
I hate that you don’t care

bastard

2005-09-26T23:41:00.000-07:00

he didnt even tell me he made the decision and left how can someone just walk out on someone they are to marry? someone they love? i wasnt overbarring crazy gf i way kick bac i mean he said he was going to vegas with his friends and i didnt even ask all i said was ok what are you gonna do he said get drunk gamble and see a strip show ok i replied end of story but he leaves me he truns and walks away from 3 years i feel like ice on the inside like my heart froze over when his stepdad tells me thats right i never knew what was going on ill never love again
I WILL NEVER LOVER AGAIN

OMG

2005-09-26T21:16:00.000-07:00

escape from myself...

today my fiance brokeup with me but he failed to mention it to me i had to hear it from his step dad and then dial tone